The Keys to YOUR Lover’s Heart, Part Two

WELCOME!

In last week’s post, I pointed out that if you want to be loved for the person that you are then you must be willing to allow your love to see ‘the successful, beaming you’ and ‘the failing, feeling scared you’.

I discussed how being vulnerable invites deeper levels of soul-to-soul emotional connection.

Today’s post will focus on some closely related principles and practices that support mutually empowering, committed partnership.

Leaving Your Partner in Freedom

Leaving your Partner in freedom to be the person they are and engage in activities that they find fulfilling is foundational to building mutually empowering committed partnerships.

For a relationship to be mutually empowering, it must work equally well for both partners.

Keys to leaving others in freedom:

  • Learn to make clear requests; avoid, as much as possible, making demands.
  • Learn to avoid ‘the expectations trap’; learn to clearly express your intentions, feelings and needs.

I’ll briefly expand on each point.

Making clear requests verses making demands

When we make a request, the person of whom we are making the request can say “no” without any fear of being ‘judged’ or retribution.

When we make a demand, the person of whom we are making the demand, is not left in freedom to decline our request without incurring negative judgment(s) and/or some fear of retribution.

If we are truly leaving a person in freedom to meet our request, then they are free to say “no” to our request without any negative judgments, ‘guilt trips’ or fear of retribution.

The idea here is cultivate the art of ‘enlisting the support of your Partner’ verses simply expecting them to do exactly as you wish.

I call this the win, win, win scenario.

You win.

Your Partner wins.

The relationship wins.

This is foundational to building mutually empowering partnerships.

Keys to making clear requests

  • Be sure that you have your Partner’s full attention before making your request.
  • Make sure that your request is clear, specific and actionable.
  • Be clear about the time frame.
  • Confirm that your Partner correctly heard and understood your request and time frame.
  • If appropriate, set up a time to check in with each other regarding your request.
  • Always remember to acknowledge all of your Partner’s efforts.

Tip:
As much as possible avoid making ‘compromises’.

Mutually empowering partnership become possible when the parties involved are willing to really talk things out – to find solutions that meet the expressed needs of both partners equally well.

I have found that ‘trading this for that’ (the essence of compromise) to be effective only if used very sparingly.

I recommend making requests in this manner:

“Would you be willing to _______?”

So what if you experience ‘difficult’ feelings when your Partner declines your request?

My advice:

Take some slow deep breaths to ground yourself.

Then openly share your needs and feelings.

The challenge here is to openly express your needs and associated feelings, without any intent to use the expression of your feelings to manipulate your Partner.

When you openly share your needs and associated feelings with your Partner it gives them the opportunity to support the need(s) you are expressing in a way that also fulfills them.

Avoid ‘the expectations trap’– cultivate the habit of  clearly expressing your feelings and, especially, your needs.

It is so easy to fall into ‘the expectation trap’.

A great deal of disappointment in romantic relationships derives from unexpressed expectations.

Two questions for you:

  1. Have you ever expected your Partner to just know what you needed and to then act accordingly?
  2. Have you ever noticed how your unexpressed expectations often turn into complaints?

I have found that when my Partner didn’t live up to my unexpressed expectations, I generally experienced disappointment.

How about you?

But wait, I didn’t actually give her the opportunity to meet my needs by clearly expressing them.

Yikes!

The last time I checked, we humans have not yet learned to read each other’s minds.

Give yourself, your Partner, and your precious relationship a break:

Don’t leave your Partner guessing as to what you need and what would like them to do to help you to meet that need.

Develop the habit of clearly expressing your feelings, need(s) and the course of action you would like your Partner to pursue.

Some other points:

You may have noticed that people tend to argue about strategies.

You may have also observed that very often people tend to find common ground when they are able to openly discuss their feelings and especially, their needs.

This is because all of us have the same needs.

Some common human needs:

  • Clean air and potable water
  • Food
  • To be accepted and included
  • To have a sense of control over our lives
  • To give and receive love

You get the idea.

The next time a disagreement arises try refocusing the conversation on your feelings and, especially, your needs.

I sincerely hope that you found this post inspiring and useful.

I am here if you need me.

I invite you to support our community by posting a comment or question on my blog. I am here if you need me.

See you next week.

Live, connect, love and prosper

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4 Comments »

Comment by Dominique
July 22, 2014 @ 8:34 am

Great post. I’m going to print it off, learn it and literally use it as an essential blueprint for successful communication in establishing a healthy and supportive relationship. I’ve never had that before – but I’m determined to have it from now on in. #feelingpositive 🙂

Thanks Ron – great article 🙂 x


Comment by Ron
July 22, 2014 @ 12:24 pm

Dominique, Thank you for your positive, supportive comments. Anyone can learn how to establish and build healthy, supportive relationships. One of the keys is to work on improving our communication skills. All of our relationships act as ‘mirrors’ as they constantly reflect back to us how we are being in that particular relationship. Slow down, pay attention, seek to understand things from the other person’s perspective, and try to always leave the door open for future discussions. Best wishes on your quest for more mutually supportive relationships. Let me know if I can help. Warmly,
Ron Capocelli


Comment by Dominique
July 23, 2014 @ 12:34 am

Thank you Ron – great, great advice. I’m taking it all on board. I love the idea of the relationship as a mirror. Also, leaving the door open for future discussions – I’m beginning to understand the importance of that! The other thing which stuck me is that, underpinning all of this, is respect. It seems that respect is the driving force behind good communication. Integrity of course is weaved in there as well. It is true then that we have to cultivate these core attributes within ourselves first, before we can have a healthy and loving partnership with another. I think that seems to be one of the key factors.

Once again, I cannot convey how deeply appreciative I am of your wonderful advice. I have literally been energized by it.

Thank you so much.
Kindest regards
Dominique 🙂


Comment by stephen light
July 23, 2014 @ 1:59 am

Thank you Ron

Such emotional control to voice this and it’s where we need to be in our relationships.

Love & Courage
Stephen Light


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