The Basic Requirements for a Solid Emotional Connection


In today’s post I will share three basic requirements that must be present on a regular basis for a sound, lasting emotional connection.

At the most basic level, emotional connection forms the basis for how we give and receive the emotional / empathetic support we all need.

Even men who seem completely disconnected from their emotional capacities need some level of emotional / empathetic support.

It is our emotional connection with others that holds our relationships together.

We all want to be:

  • Included
  • Have a sense of control over our lives
  • Be liked, or at the very least accepted
  • Feel safe in our relationships

Giving empathetic or emotional support to others meets a very deep, basic need.  This is one reason why we often feel so ‘satisfied’ after giving someone the gift of our full attention as they shared their feelings and experiences.

Connecting with others emotionally feeds our soul.

As you might guess, I am often asked how to tell if your partner, especially ‘your man’, is “reasonably emotionally available”.

From my perspective as a coach who helps people to build rock-solid romantic partnerships, I would answer by saying that if your partner regularly meets the 3 basic requirements listed below, then he /she is “reasonably emotionally available”.


The first and most basic requirement for a solid, lasting emotional connection is safety.

In order for us to feel safe to express ourselves we have to know, with high level of certainty, that we will not be verbally or physically abused for sharing our feelings, concerns, and challenges.

It is almost impossible to maintain a mutually fulfilling emotional connection with a person who ‘flies off of the handle’ or is otherwise highly unpredictable.

Can you recall a time when you had to ‘walk on eggshells’ out of fear that anything you say could send that volatile relative of yours into a rage?


Predictability = Safety

It is also very difficult to maintain and deepen our emotional connection with someone if we often feel negatively judged when we share our true feelings, concerns, or challenges.

A certain amount of unconditional acceptance must be present for a deep, lasting emotional bond to form.

In this context I feel that it is very important to point out that listening to a point of view does not mean that you agree with or must take any action based on the expressed point of view.

Non-judgmental listening is just that, listening without judgment.

There is no ’embedded’ set requirement for agreement or action.

Rather, our fears of not being enough tend to cause us to superimpose these ‘requirements’ to agree or take action when they are not really there.

Tip for guys:

If during conversations with your Sweetie, your mind frequently jumps to:

“Now what am I going to have to do _________.


Now I have to give up” ___________.  And so on.

Frequent thoughts like this indicate that it is time to take the proverbial bull by the horns.

It is time to muster up the courage to respectfully challenge this self-defeating pattern of thought and it’s concomitant beliefs and behavior.

Why this is so important.

If your Gal believes that she can’t share her feelings, concerns or challenges without you changing the subject, getting all ‘worked up’, or judging her negatively then I promise you that the day will come when she simply stops trying to get her emotional needs met by you.

She will go looking to get them met elsewhere.

Yes, if there is love, there is still time to get this right.

All you have to do is humble yourself, admit your shortcomings and do your best to develop your non-judgmental listening capacities.

I have often found that in matters of the heart that it is truly ‘the striving that matters’.

Generally available

For me “generally available” means that a person needs to routinely  engage in behavior that supports emotional connection.

Some examples of the ‘Dos & Don’ts’ of emotional connection:

  • Your Partner is generally open to listen to your dreams, opinions, problems, solutions, concerns, fears, and feelings about things.  Everyone has ‘bad days’ where they just don’t really have to forces to just listen.

Don’t let one situation; one argument –unless physical abuse is involved, or one instance of no perceived connection to drive a wedge between you and your love.

If you are struggling to connect emotionally with your love, I invite you to do some ‘inner work’ and get the support you need now before there is too much water under the proverbial bridge.  Find the courage to start the conversation.

  • Your Partner regularly makes the time and effort to connect with you in person in a timely manor – sorry texts only count if they are followed up in reasonable time with a phone call or face-to-face conversation.
  • Your Partner is emotionally mature.
    They generally leave you in freedom to talk about yourself without always making what you share about them.


To help you to gain more clarity about how you feel about the level of support you are getting versus what you might want, I have provided some questions.


To get more out of these questions I invite you to journal about any that really grab you.

Some questions to consider:

  • When you share with your partner, do you feel supported?  If so, what does he or she do to help you to feel this way?
  • Do you generally feel nurtured / supported by your partner?  If so, what does he or she do to help you to feel this way?
  • Do you feel that your partner can put himself / herself in your shoes?  If you feel that your partner is unable to empathize with you, what steps have you taken to help him or her become more supportive?
  • How do you ask your partner to meet your needs?  Are you direct?  Are you sensitive?  Do expect him or her to just know what you need?

Complaints often stem from unexpressed but nonetheless deeply held expectations.

We all need the emotional support that emotionally connected relationships provide.


If your relationship is not as nurturing as you would like, be brave and start the discussion.

The love you save may be your own.

I am here if you need me.

Your friend and staunch ally,

To Love and Courage!


Live, Connect, Love and Prosper

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During your low cost “Committed Partner Breakthrough Session” we will:

  • Create a sense of clarity about the relationship you really want to have.
  • Find out the essential building blocks for having the relationship of your dreams.
  • Discover the number one thing stopping you from having the relationship you want and deserve.
  • Identify the most powerful actions that will move you toward the relationship of your dreams.
  • Complete our session with the excitement of knowing EXACTLY what to do next to attract a committed partner who truly loves you for who you are!

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Comment by stephen light
January 21, 2015 @ 3:00 am

Ron its all about Safety for me

I love that you raise this as I find this a quality lacking in Leadership. I believe the primary role of leaders is to create safety.

When I read the application in our personal relationships I am struck by how business relationships that thrive have a huge element of safety allowing emotional connection.

Thanks you

Love & Courage

Comment by Ron
January 21, 2015 @ 7:28 am

Dear Stephen,
Thank you for so faithfully supporting our community.
Establishing a true ‘Culture of Safety’ in organizations can be very difficult. I have found that many organizations attempt to enforce polices that focus more on ‘productivity’ rather than doing the real work of creating a company culture based on doing your personal best and common core values that actually support the organization’s ‘mission’.
Leaders must lead by example. As my Grandad used to say, “The apple does not fall too far from the tree”. The most effective leaders are compassionate, see the ‘big picture’, and truly value the unique qualities that each person in their organization brings.
With regard to the ‘big picture’, a ‘Culture of Safety’ always supports personal growth and creative expression.
One more thing: As a highly gifted coach you know that complaints are far too often simply unexpressed expectations. A ‘Culture of Safety’ is required if people are going to feel comfortable sharing their expectations, hopes, and challenges.

To Love, Courage, and Personal Growth,

Your Friend,

Comment by Bill
January 21, 2015 @ 7:04 am

Yes i am aware of how important this emotional connection is—
Being in right relationship with me—my best friend—-Thank you
Ron for this reminder—-Rainbows—Bill

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