“Supporting YOUR Partner When They Express Frustration About Their Physical Appearance”


In our materially oriented society physical appearances seem to always be at the forefront of our minds.

We are constantly being bombarded with images of how we are supposed to look.

Women are supposed to be relatively thin, yet shapely, have beautiful, radiant skin, thick hair, look sexy, and stay forever young.

It’s not much better for us guys.

Men are expected to look fit, have great muscle tone, a tight stomach, look sexually potent, and of course, stay forever young.

As a relationship coach I am often asked how to best support our partners when they express concerns about their physical appearance.

I’ll begin by addressing what men should consider doing when their partner openly laments, “honey I’m fat”.

First and foremost, connect with your love for her.

Then, gently reassure her.

Stay connected with your love for her and look her in the eyes and tell her that you love her for who she is, for the person she is.

Then be quiet and be open to just listen.  Don’t allow your nervousness to compel you to talk.

It is important to realize that when anyone expresses concerns about their physical appearance, that they are feeling very vulnerable and quite possibly feeling both emotionally and physically unattractive.

Guys please do everything you can to just be emotionally present.  Connect with her and give her the opportunity to express her feelings.  They do not have to make sense.

Do not try and fix any thing or solve any problems.

Just connect with your deep love for her and be open to listen.

Yes, you will feel uncomfortable.  That’s perfectly fine.

Connect with your deep love for her and you will find the courage to embrace her pain. 

Ask questions to understand but don’t go digging for answers.

The worst thing you can do is just tell her that she’s not fat and change the subject.

Leave her in freedom to have and express her feelings and just listen.

Be aware that there very likely are deeper issues but now is not the time to go digging around to find them.

That said, be open to whatever she has to share.

The exact words you use will be perfect if they come from your heart and are shared with the right intention.

Believe it or not, moments like this provide opportunities to move closer together as a couple.

Everyone wants to feel that they are accepted and loved for who they are.


Our bodies naturally change as we age.

Women often gain weight during pregnancies and some have an incredible inner struggle around not feeling pretty and attractive any more.

The stresses of daily life, illness, and the process of aging all can take their toll on our physical bodies.  This is all part of the richness of life.

Love always finds a way to comfort, console, to heal.


Just be patient, and love her for who she is.

Men may not always admit it, but the truth be known we also have a deep need to feel attractive and desired.

So gals, when your guy laments, “I am so out of shape.”

Get him a beer.

Just kidding!

Sit down be side him and just ask him, “What made you say that?”  or “Where did that come from?”

Don’t take. “I don’t know” for an answer.

Gently encourage him to talk about what’s bugging him.

Leave him in freedom to have his feelings and then after he has shared a little, tell him that you love him jut the way he is, for the person he is.

You may have noticed that when guys express feelings of dis-satisfaction about their physical appearance, I recommended taking a few steps into a discussion by gently asking a few questions and then reassure him.

The reason for this difference is that guys generally have trouble expressing and especially exploring their feelings.

By gently testing the waters as only you can do, and leaving him in freedom to share and explore his feelings as he is ready, you are giving him a gift that only you can give him.

You are showing him that he can be vulnerable and that you love him even when he is telling you that he is not ok.

Most men, myself included, really need to hear this message.

This is because we have overly bought into the idea that we have to be strong and that vulnerability is a sign of weakness.

Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness.

In fact it takes great courage to embrace our perceived or self-assessed weaknesses and talk about them.

I again want to reiterate that it is important to realize that when anyone expresses concerns about their physical appearance, that they are feeling very vulnerable and quite possibly feeling both emotionally and physically unattractive.

Where there is love, there is always an opportunity for growth and healing.


In both cases, when our partners express frustration about how they are feeling with regard to their physical appearance, take this opportunity to move closer together.

Flowers, hand written cards expressing your affection and appreciation, a nice romantic dinner out, a walk, and, of course, any time spent together for the sole purpose of just being together are great and recommended ways of supporting your partner.

I sincerely hope that I have provided some useful food for thought.

When things “come up” always connect with your love for your partner and your heart will guide you to do the right thing and show up exactly as they need you to.

Always trust your heart and let it guide your intentions in speech and action.

One more thing:

Why wait for you partner to express pain or frustration?

Tell them that YOU love them for who they are the next time you see them!

Offered in loving support of mutually empowering and mutually fulfilling relationships.

Live, Connect, Love and Prosper

See YOU next week!

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Comment by stephen light
June 6, 2013 @ 10:22 am

Ron you caught me

I just said to Frances this morning I am Fat. Now I know I am not fat, it’s just this little tyre tube that comes and goes around my waist. It is the battle between ice-cream and running. At the moment it feels like ice cream is ahead.

Love & Courage

Comment by materi bahan tayang
July 19, 2014 @ 1:15 am

I am now not certain the place you are getting your information, however great topic. I need to spend some time studying much more or understanding more. Thanks for excellent information I was in search of this information for my mission.

Comment by Ron
July 22, 2014 @ 12:32 pm

Dear Jim, The ‘information’ in this blog is based on what I have learned through years of professional counseling and coaching. It is also based on empirical research, modern psychology, and the principles of ‘right relationship’ promoted in the world’s major religions. Finally, the information derives from the experience I have gained in building a mutually supportive relationship with my wife. Thank you again for your comment. Let me know if I can be of any assistance. Warmly, Ron Capoceelli

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