Staying in ‘Control’ verses Allowing Things to Unfold


Today’s post is both philosophical and practical.  It will focus on the often over looked, but important balance between ‘staying in control’ and ‘allowing things to unfold’.

When to ‘shuck’, and when to ‘jive’?

When to firmly hold onto the reins of your camel and when to relax and enjoy the ride?

If we always tightly hold onto the reins of our camel, we are likely to miss out on much of the fun, excitement, and beauty of life.

If we never direct our camel’s course, then we could end up in a ditch or Yonkers or worse!

When it comes to romantic love, it is always good to strike a balance between ‘leading the dance’ and ‘allowing your partner to lead the dance’.

Consciously taking turns

One way to breathe more life into an existing relationship is to take turns choosing shared activities.

Children naturally do this in their spontaneous play.  Just ask any Kindergarten teacher worth their paycheck!

You may even recall taking turns in ‘pretend’ roles as a young child when playing with friends.

Adults can benefit from this sort of structure.  By the way, this is a great strategy for dating and new relationships.

Long-term committed romantic relationships require trust and taking turns builds trust.  Taking turns builds trust in yourself, trust in your partner, and trust in the ‘universe’.

When it’s your turn, you get to select the day’s or evening’s activities.  When it’s your partner’s turn he/she gets to choose.

It’s a good idea to agree to fully participate in your partners chosen activity, especially if the activity chosen by your partner is new or awkward.

This provides an opportunity for both of you to explore and grow together!

One rule: no complaining!

Most men will appreciate the fact that they are not responsible for making sure you both have a good time.

Agreeing to try out something that is new for both of you

Taking a drive to somewhere neither of you have been.

Trying a new restaurant.

Going to see a new band perform.

Attending a traditional Romanian folk dance.

Going snorkeling.

Eating Pariska.

Speaking Natoese.

You get the idea.

Mutual exploration and discovery can provide the opportunity to create shared and cherished memories.

Keeping the fire burning in the Bedroom

Research shows that sexual activity in committed long-term relationships tends to decrease over time.

There are many reasons for this, some of which, like the birth of children are  what they are.

Boredom that results from the same old sexual ‘routine’ is one of the reasons that can be ‘managed’.

When it comes to sex, variety is truly ‘the spice of life’.

Just about every man that I have interviewed about this topic has told me that variety in sexual activity is toward the top of their list of ‘must haves’.

Empirical research supports this view.

When it comes to sex, studies have shown that variety in sexual activity is definitely a contributing factor to long-term satisfaction in romantic relationships.

Studies have shown that couples who allow themselves the freedom to safely and cooperatively explore new forms of sexual play, consistently report that they have sex more often than couples who do not.

What’s more, they also report that they derive more mutual satisfaction from their sexual activity when compared to couples who do not vary their love making activities.

Gals, invite your man out for a ‘lingerie shopping outing’.


Gals, invite your man to wear something that ‘turns you on’. 

You might even put out ‘something more comfortable’ for him to change into.

Why bother?

When it comes to almost anything associated with our deepest, most powerful drives and desires anticipation of the event is generally more powerfully arousing than the event itself.

Think about it.

Plan to make some of your intimate time together fun, exciting, and special.

The bottom line

I invite you to experiment with allowing yourself to relax and enjoy the ride.

I further invite you to take control where you need to and to consciously design your relationship so that you can both more fully support each other’s fulfillment.

The love you save may be your own!

Have fun, be safe, and raise your glass to a mutually fulfilling, loving relationship that will stand the test of time.

See you next week!

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Comment by williamtrimpi
September 25, 2012 @ 1:23 pm

That was helpful Ron-Showing up, engaged in the creativity of each new moment , will help bring that spice–Rainbows-Bill

Comment by Stephen Light
September 26, 2012 @ 11:35 am

Hi Ron

Thank you for another great post. I love how you normalise talking about sex and that couples should explore each others desires. Lovely

Love & Courage

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