Sex, Love, and Making it Work for the Long-Term, Part Two

WELCOME!

Today’s post is the second in a series that will explore passion, love, and building sustainable, mutually empowering relationships.

Engaging in open, sensitive, and direct conversations with your partner about your sexual needs, concerns, and boundaries is essential if you are going to build a mutually empowering committed relationship that will stand the test of time.

As a love and relationship coach I am often asked questions about sexual intimacy including:

  • Once my new guy and I started having regular sex, he seemed to become more emotionally distant and somewhat less interested in me as a person.

Is there anything I can do to help him stay more emotionally connected to me?

  • What can I do to build more emotional connection into our love- making?

I address each question below and I invite tasteful and direct comments that support further discussion.

Once my new guy and I started having regular sex, he seemed to become more emotionally distant and somewhat less interested in me as a person.

Is there anything I can do to help him stay more emotionally connected to me?

If you noticed that your guy began pulling away from you emotionally and/or showing less interest in you as a person after you started having regular sex, you are not alone.

This is a common complaint.

If you find yourself in this situation, I recommend having a direct but sensitive conversation with him about how you are feeling.

The keys to making this conversation effective:

  • Have the conversation – don’t put it off
  • Own your feelings – tell him how you are feeling without blaming him in any way
  • Focus on the relationship –Let him know how important the relationship is to you and share your vision of your life together– notice his response.
  • Let him know how good you feel when he acknowledges you for the person that you are.
  • Notice if he renews his efforts at connecting with you emotionally.

Something that I have noticed

Some people are simply, for lack of better words, addicted to “the chase”.

Unfortunately, some have people have never got past the first two stages of romantic love “infatuation” and “physical attraction” to the third stage of romantic love where a deep emotional commitment begins to form.

I have included a link to an earlier post that discusses the stages of romantic love in detail:

http://inspiredcommitment.com/the-inner-game-of-relationships/understanding-the-stages-of-romantic-love-part-one

I would also like to point out that people from both sexes and all sexual- orientations sometimes mistake passion for love.

This can be especially true for people who have had numerous short romances that simply fizzled out before reaching the stages of deeper emotional attachment and long-term commitment.

A good question to ask yourself:

Am I in love or in lust?

Which is more powerful for me right now?

There are no right answers.  It is good to be aware of where you are at and to be honest with yourself.

If you are having a fun sexually oriented fling and that is what you really want then go for it!

One more thing:

Getting sexually involved with a new guy before a deep friendship is established while fun and exciting, can lead to a very rough ride.

This because sexual involvement tends to cloud our judgment and can easily mask potential problems.

What can I do to build more emotional connection into our love- making?

This is a great question because it gets to the heart of the matter.

If you desire a more deeply emotionally connecting love making experience you might find the following useful.

  • At least once a week make your love making time very special.  This practice will give you both something to look forward to.

When it comes to sexual intimacy the anticipation of the event can be just, if not more arousing than the time spent making love.

Can you recall your anticipation of his first kiss?

What about the first time you knew that you were going to share yourself with him?

That’s the energy I’m talking about.

  • Set the stage by taking the time to put some fresh-cut flowers in a vase

in your living room and bedroom

  • Light candles
  • Take a bath or shower together, wash each other’s backs, wash each other’s hair, and so on.
  • Put on some nice lingerie, you might even lay some clothes out for him that you find arousing, fun, or playful.
  • Have some music that you both enjoy playing.
  • Have some nicely scented massage oil ready.
  • Ask your man to go slowly.  Tell him that you want to savor his love and feel his masculine power.
  • Be sure to look into each other’s eyes during part of your love making
  • Talk to your lover, take time to laugh
  • Be playful
  • Be open to trying new positions, techniques, and so on- always tell him what pleases you and what doesn’t and ask him about his preferences as well.
  • Take turns being in charge of your love making.
  • Talk and connect after love making love.
  • Surprise him by getting a reservation at a nice hotel or spa and then live it up!
  • If your pre-love making activities include consuming alcohol be moderate enough to remain emotionally connected.

Most importantly enlist the support and cooperation of your man in all of this as much of this as possible.

If your guy just doesn’t get this sort of thing… surprise him with a special evening together.  Then notice his response.

Summary

Sexual intimacy can be a beautiful way to connect, express love, have fun and relieve stress.

Engaging in open, sensitive, and direct conversations with your partner about your sexual needs, concerns, and boundaries is essential if you are going to build a mutually empowering committed relationship that will stand the test of time.

Taking the time on a regular basis to make your love making special can really help a couple to develop a healthy, mutually empowering and fulfilling sex life.

I sincerely hope that you found this post inspiring and useful.

I welcome your comments and questions.

I am here if you need me.

Live, Connect, Love and Prosper

See YOU next week!

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2 Comments »

Comment by stephen light
November 5, 2013 @ 6:42 am

Hi Ron

I think you have tapped into something that I would guess 90%+ relationships struggle with. The emotional intimacy in relationships seems to be lacking and the sexual act becomes a series of isolated events. Emotional connection is what links these sexual events into what becomes a beautiful relationships.

Thank you for your words of wisdom

Love & Courage
Stephen Light


Comment by Ron
November 7, 2013 @ 10:13 am

DearStephen,
Thank you for posting a comment on my blog. Based on my work and my own relationship experiences, I would have to agree with you that ‘making love’ can quickly become less about emotional connection and love and more about just satisfying our sexual drive.
This is why I encourage couples to make their intimate time together special on a regular basis. Naturally, I strive to make the intimate moments with my partner special. Despite our busy schedules we take time to just be together.
We are always building our ‘relationship house’ and I want my house to be built on emotional connection and ever deepening foundation of expressed and realized love. Warmly, Ron Capocelli


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