Sex, Love, and Making it Work for the Long-Term, Part One

Today’s post is the first in a series that will explore passion, love, and building sustainable, mutually empowering relationships.

The “sexual revolution” of the sixties completely and irrevocably changed the landscape of romantic love.

Sexually explicit content is a mouse click away and even prime time, family oriented television is often full of sexual innuendo.

Sex sells and is used to market everything from toothpaste to tires.

Add to this the endless availability of potential partners through the growing use of online dating, rising expectations regarding finding a suitable partner, and the stress of our fast paced living and it’s no wonder people desire some guidance around sexual intimacy and committed love.

As a love and relationship coach I am often asked many questions about sexual intimacy including:

  • How long should a couple wait before becoming sexually involved?
  • Should my partner and I get tested for sexually transmitted diseases before becoming deeply emotionally involved?  What if he refuses?
  • How do I initiate a conversation with my guy about our sex life?
  • If I set boundaries around sexual activity will my man dump me?

I address each question below and I invite tasteful and direct comments that support further discussion.

How long should a couple wait before becoming sexually involved?

I am no prude.  Sex is an important aspect of my marriage.

That said, I generally advise folks to give their relationship three months before becoming sexually involved.

This is because sexual involvement really clouds our judgment and can easily mask potential problems.

My motto: friends first!

Sex with your best friend tops the charts for pleasure, fun, and excitement without the fears associated with jumping in the sack too early in a relationship.

My candid advice:

If your guy continues to pressure you about having sex despite your expressed wishes to the contrary, dump him.

If he doesn’t honor your expressed wishes regarding sexual intimacy now when the relationship is new, do you think that he will honor them later?

Should my partner and I get tested for sexually transmitted diseases before becoming deeply emotionally involved?   Please note that I didn’t say before having sex. What should I do if he refuses?

Absolutely.

In fact, I recommend that you go together and that you both get tested and share your results. 

I also strongly recommend doing this in the very early stages of your relationship before you get too emotionally entwined.

Your body is yours and it is your responsibility to protect it from harm.

If he refuses, dump him.

How do I initiate a conversation with my guy about our sex life?

It is very interesting to me that although we are constantly bombarded with all sorts of sexual images, innuendo, and sexual talk that folks still have trouble talking about the sexual aspect of their relationship with their partners.

My advice.

Pick a time when you are both feeling rested and have time to really talk.

When it comes to sensitive subjects, timing is everything.

The exception is if he does something that actually hurts you. 

For example, if he is not gentle enough when penetrating you, you should tell him right then and there.

Simply ask him to go more slowly and gently.

Otherwise, when the time feels right, just start a conversation.

Use your intuitive powers.

Listen to your heart, but don’t put the conversation off just because it is difficult.

Some things to know about men and sexuality

Men are conditioned to believe that they must always be sexually potent and, perhaps more importantly, be in control of the “sexual experience”.

This is one reason why some guys struggle with women who are sexually forward.

A man’s self-esteem lies partly in their belief that they are “good in bed”.

I therefore generally recommend beginning the conversation with something positive about how he interacts with you sexually.

You might begin by saying something like, “I really like it when you gently rub my back before we make love”.

Once the conversation is going, be open, honest direct and sensitive.

Own your feelings, desires, and concerns.

Always avoid blaming, belittling, and being sarcastic.

Be sure to leave space for him to respond and listen attentively without interrupting when he does.

Remember: It’s the relationship that matters.

If I set boundaries around sexual activity will my man dump me?

This question has been posed often.

Sexual intimacy can be a beautiful way to connect, express love, have fun and relieve stress.

Unfortunately, sex can also be perverted into a way to control, abuse, and actually inflict pain.

The primary purpose of dating is to explore the possibility of a long-term relationship.

It is important to note that you are also establishing “ground rules” around every aspect of your relationship.

One of the most effective ways for couples to create a mutually satisfying and empowering sexual life is by having frank, sensitive discussions about their sexual preferences.

Problems around sexual intimacy develop precisely because we generally avoid these conversations because they are difficult. 

Be willing to experience a little awkwardness now for the sake of building a strong, mutually empowering relationship that you can truly live with.

YOU are always in choice about what forms of sexual activity you choose to engage in.

Mutual Consent  is the foundation for all mutually empowering sexual activity.

From my perspective, a particular kind of sexual activity (fellatio for example) should only be engaged in if you also get pleasure from it and not just because your guy asks for it or expects it.

If a man dumps you because you set sexual boundaries, you are far better off without him.

Truth be known, lust rather than love was his primary motivation to be in relationship with you.

Always remember:

You deserve to be treated with the highest level of respect.

Your body is yours and when you chose to share yourself physically with your partner you are giving him a beautiful gift.

Love yourself, cherish your body, bask in your feminine glory and power.

Summary

Sexual intimacy can be a beautiful way to connect, express love, have fun and relieve stress.

Engaging in open, sensitive, and direct conversations with your partner about your sexual needs, concerns, and boundaries is essential if you are going to build a mutually empowering committed relationship that will stand the test of time.

You are always building your “relationship house”.

I have found that “relationship houses” that are built on mutual respect, honesty, authenticity, transparency, gratitude, and patience have what it takes to stand up to the challenges that life inevitably brings.

Never let the fear of losing your partner prevent you from standing up for yourself when it comes to anything pertaining to how your partner treats your body.

Never.

I sincerely hope that you found this post inspiring and useful.

I welcome your comments and questions.

Be sure to tune in next week when I continue this discussion.

I am here if you need me.

Live, Connect, Love and Prosper

See YOU next week!

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1 Comment »

Comment by stephen light
October 30, 2013 @ 12:02 am

Thanks Ron

Taking a sensitive subject and making it easy is something you seem to do naturally. Thank you.

Love & Courage
Stephen Light


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