Mind Over Matter


Believe it or not I have discovered the secret to mind over matter!

There is a basic assumption that disappointment is just a necessary part of life.

But is this really true?

A basic assumption begs a basic question:

Are there strategies that, if followed, will actually minimize our romantic disappointment?

I believe that there are!

The Four Steps to Minimizing Romantic Disappointment

Step one

Look before you leap

Everyone has probably been exposed to this saying.

However, in our fast paced, result driven society it is easy to ‘get ahead of ourselves’, especially when it comes to romantic love.

One reason why we tend to fail to more carefully consider our options in romantic pursuits is driven by our fear that if we don’t take immediate action that we will loose out in ‘big way’.

This can be especially true for folks who rely on on-line dating services to meet potential partners.

On line dating sites all basically promise that you will find your true love by using their service.

Presenting their services in this light, tends to set high expectations.

The more a person ‘buys into’ the promotional hype, the more hope they will tend to place in actually achieving the outcome that such sites promise.

Now I am in no way trying to imply that folks who use on line dating sites are naïve- what I am pointing out is just how powerful their marketing really is.

The promises made by on line dating site can lead to very unrealistic expectations.

Instant access = instant results

Or does it?

While on-line dating provides almost infinite opportunities to meet new and exciting people, this alone does not ensure your success.

Unfortunately, on-line dating also provides lots of opportunities for more

broken relationships and the emotional trauma that comes with yet another relationship failure.

Yet many people still allow their fear of ‘missing out’ to pressure them into pursuing relationships with people that they hardly know and that may have been less than totally forthcoming in their ‘profiles’.

Save yourself some unnecessary heart ache!

The next time you are checking out potential dating partners on line, I encourage you to remember to due your due diligence and don’t let your ‘Mr./Ms. Desperate’ convince you that you must act now or loose out.

Chose to live from a perspective of abundance rather than one based on scarcity.

You are a catch!

Act like it!

Step two

Take your time.  Go slowly

Another very important step that you can take to mitigate potential disappointment is to simply slow down.

Slowing down is especially important with regard to sexual intimacy.

I am no prude.

That said, I cannot tell you how many people- both men and women- who have shared with me that they wished that they had just slowed down and not gotten sexually involved with this or that person.

Premature sexual involvement severely clouds our judgment.

Guys, contrary to ‘pop culture’ when it comes to sexual encounters, more does not make you more ‘manly’.

Gals, any guy who pressures you into having sex before you are fully ready-dump.

If they can’t delay their sexual gratification in the early stages of the relationship, what boundaries will they trample later on when the relationship is more established.

I also want to address moving in together.

Cohabitating before making the commitment to marry can be a very wise choice.

However, I strongly recommend keeping your own ‘digs’ and trying out living together for progressively longer periods of time before taking the ‘proverbial plunge’ and fully moving in together.

Better to find out that you just can’t stand living together while you still have your own ‘digs’, than to abandon all caution and end up sleeping on your best friend’s couch with your stuff in storage!

If the views I am sharing resonate with you I recommend designing your alliance accordingly with a potential new partner up front. 

Simply tell him/her that you want to take your time and get it right.

Finally, I recommend that people savor their courtship.

The courtship part of committed romantic love is a very special, never to be repeated time in our lives.

Fully live every moment of this special time.

You’ll be thankful that you did!

Step three

When making plans, always consider your most salient values and honor them

Miss-matched relationships just don’t happen-we create them.

Get in touch with your values and honor them.

Here’s a link to an older post on values:


Many disappointments ensue simply because we set intentions and take actions that violate one or more of our ‘core values’.

Conversely, when we set intentions and take actions that fully honor who we are at our core we achieve outcomes that are deeply fulfilling.

Step four

Cultivate detachment

There is a rather delicate ‘inner dance’ that we do with ourselves with regard to obtaining desired outcomes.

While it is ‘very’ important to set goals in order to achieve results, it is equally important to always bear in mind that even careful planning does not guarantee a particular result.

When it comes the realm of love this is especially true.

Cultivating an attitude of ‘detached interest’ with regard to the deeply desired results(s) can really help a to maintain your emotional balance.

My old meditation teacher, Eknath Easwaran, had a wonderful saying about this.

“Use the right means, and leave the results up to the Lord.”

To help maintain your ‘emotional balance’ when pursuing important, and deeply desitred goals I have found it particularly useful to look at things from the perspective of ‘curiosity’.

Try to simply be curious about how things will work out instead of being afraid that they won’t.

Adopting the perspective of curiosity will help you begin to cultivate detachment.

Ty it out and see for yourself.

If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

Take your time, go slowly

When making plans, setting goals always consider you most salient values and honor them

Focus more on the experience, less on the outcome

Give yourself permission to fail

Always celebrate YOUR accomplishments

There is a lot more I could share about this topic, but I believe that I have provided enough ‘food for thought’ for one post.

I hope that you found today’s post interesting, inspiring, and actionable.

Live, Connect, Love, and Prosper!

See YOU net week!






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Comment by stephen light
April 16, 2013 @ 1:27 am

Hi Ron

Such practical advice and I certainly could have benefitted from this earlier in my life. The youth need to read this.

The last point is so important and thank you for raising it. Frances & I have reached a place where we no longer want to try make the other person fit the mould we have in our minds. We try accept each other for who we are. We have tried to become detached from what we believe makes a great partner and rather choose to accept & work with what we have.

Thank you

Love & Courage

Comment by Ron
April 16, 2013 @ 7:48 am

Stephen often takes the time out of his busy day to post comments on my blog. He is a courages, compassionate supporter of conscious, loving, mutually empowering relationships and a formidable coach himself.
In fact, he is and his wife, Frances, are both highly gifted coaches.
They also both appeared on my internet radio show Getting relationships Right.
I invite you to check out their offerings at http://peopleactive.com/
To Love and Courage!!! Thank YOU Stephen for so fully supporting our shared movement to promote conscious, loving, mutually empowering relationships. Nama rock steady, MY Brother!

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