Maintaining YOUR Integrity in Committed Relationships


We are all familiar with the saying, “honesty is the best policy”.

However, maintaining your integrity in a committed relationship and/or when dating can, at times, actually be quite challenging.

1) Get crystal clear on Your values around honesty and integrity

When I talk about values I am not referring to moral and ethical standards of behavior or conduct, although a person can value acting from their own particular moral and/or ethical framework.

I am also not including standards of behavior that you learned from your parents, attending church, etc.

So to be clear we are not talking about standards for “right” and “wrong” behavior.

Rather values are the idiosyncratic beliefs, ideas, likes and dislikes etc. that make us who we are. 

For example, a person may take great pride in always doing their very best on projects they are assigned or choose to take on.

Another person may place living in naturally beautiful, albeit remote area, above the conveniences found in urban environments.

In each case the person’s choices and actions reflect deeply held values.  Values reflect our priorities and often fully honoring a value may involve sacrifice.

To read more about values and how being aware of how your values affect the quality of your life click on this link:

The import thing is to make the time to really explore your values around honesty and integrity in general.

Then take the next step and continue your exploration about your values around honesty and integrity from two perspectives:

  • How you intend to honor your values around honesty and integrity
  • How would you prefer your partner or potential partner to deal with and behave when it comes to honesty and integrity

One very effective way to get this done is to journal from both perspectives.

2) Commit to always tell the truth

Once you set the intention to always tell the truth I invite you to be very curious about how you actually behave when a particular situation provides you with the opportunity to put your intention into action.

Please do not rush into any sort of self-judgments-just be curious about how your speech and actions reflect your current interpersonal habits around honest and integrity.

This sort of ‘self-study’ can be very eye opening and you may become more aware of topics and situations that challenge your ability to be totally ‘honest’.

If this happens, I encourage you to just be thankful.

You have been given the opportunity to become more ‘inwardly’ (the realm of you thoughts & feelings) and ‘outwardly’ (the realm of speech & action) consistent.

Acting on your self-discoveries around how honesty and integrity actually manifest in your thoughts, feelings, speech, and behavior may inspire you to ‘put your house in order’ and be more true to yourself.

3) Make a list of ‘difficult topics’

We all have topics that we have ‘difficulty’ discussing openly.

Once you have set the intention to always tell the truth, and explored your values and behavior around honesty and integrity you are ready to take the next step.

I invite and encourage you to make a list of topics that you find difficult to discuss openly.

Take the time to reflect and journal about each topic that you found ‘challenging’.

This will help you to be more in choice about how you would like to show up when these topics come up.

4) Commit to strive to being open and to really listening

The ‘flip side’ to being willing to ‘fully speak your mind’ is to cultivate the discipline of being open to the ideas and concerns of others.

Think about it.

Respect is the minimum expression of love.

One component of respect is leaving others in complete freedom to be who they are and believe what they believe.

An interesting way to see just how disciplined your mind is with regard your ability to really listen to understand is to deliberately expose yourself to views that you strongly disagree with.

So if you’re a liberal, try listening to Rush Limbaugh and just watch your mind.

Really try and just understand his perspective and try and withhold all judgment.

It’s about self-mastery.

Developing this sort of discipline can pay huge dividends in life, and especially in the arena of intimate relationships.

Try it out and see for yourself.

5) Commit to developing the capacity to question to understand

Often when folks express things that we do not fully agree with it ‘triggers’ an emotional reaction and we go into ‘premature judgment mode’.

When this happens we have essentially blocked any possibility of understanding their point of view.

It’s like in the old Star Trek show when they used to raise their shields to prevent would be attackers from destroying their ship.

Then we come out with guns blazing asking questions to challenge their views rather than putting any effort into trying to understand anything that they are expressing.

You just can’t wait to get the next word in and no one gets heard.

Sound familiar.

Hey, the reason that I can explain all this so well because I used to fall into this trap frequently.

So what to do?

The next time you feel that emotional ‘knee jerk’ reaction when someone is trying to explain their point of view try taking a step back, relax, and just listen.

Their opinion won’t destroy your star ship!

Commit to developing the capacity to question to understand.

Doing so will benefit all of your relationships, especially your romantic ones!

6) Develop the capacity to compassionately tell the ‘hard truth’.

So what do I mean by the ‘the hard truth’?

The ’hard truth’ simply something that someone needs to hear that you know may really challenge that person in some way.

An example from my own life:

A few years ago I was tasked with the difficult and uncomfortable job of telling one of my best friends that he was dying and would not be able to return to his home to do so.

He knew that he was probably not going to recover from the stomach caner that was literally eating him alive, but he was very attached to spending his final days at home, which simply was not possible.

Well I got in touch with just how much I loved my friend, and told him ‘the hard truth’.

For the next week I practically lived at the hospital with him while he passed.

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to develop the capacity to compassionately tell the ‘hard truth’.

However, I promise you that once you set the intention to develop this capacity, the universe will provide you the opportunities you need to get this done.

If you’re in a romantic relationship, no worries, you’ll get the opportunity sooner than you would probably like.


In summary, maintaining your integrity in a committed relationship can be challenging.  The good news is just about everyone can do so if they really want to.

I encourage you to do what ever it takes to maintain your integrity in all of your relationships and to build your ‘relationship house’ on the solid ground of honesty and integrity.

Respect is truly the minimum expression of love.

Give yourself, your partner, friends, family, and colleagues the gift of your authentic self by always striving to to be honest, forthcoming, and compassionate.

Live, Connect, Love, and Prosper!

See YOU next week!

Start now with a low cost ‘Committed Partner Breakthrough‘ session

During your low cost “Committed Partner Breakthrough Session” we will:

  • Create a sense of clarity about the relationship you really want to have.
  • Find out the essential building blocks for having the relationship of your dreams.
  • Discover the number one thing stopping you from having the relationship you want and deserve.
  • Identify the most powerful actions that will move you toward the relationship of your dreams.
  • Complete our session with the excitement of knowing EXACTLY what to do next to attract a committed partner who truly loves you for who you are!

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1 Comment »

Comment by Ron
June 30, 2014 @ 12:43 pm

Thanks! Warmly, Ron

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