Love Grows from the Inside Out


Last week’s post focused on the importance of what I call ‘the inner work of love’.

Do the work.  Get the result. 

I refer to our efforts in the arena of love as ‘work’, because, frankly speaking, committed, mutually fulfilling relationships require a lot of hard work.

This work always starts and ends with YOU.

Love grows from the inside out.

Today’s post will go into more detail regarding the foundational roles of self-acceptance and self-love in attracting a committed, compatible partner who loves you for who you are.

I encourage you to read today’s post, especially if you believe that you have ‘heard all of this before’.

It took many failed romantic relationships and the support of a gifted counselor and my spiritual teacher for me to to finally get one very important point.

If I wanted to be loved for the person that I am, I needed to accept and love myself fully.


You see, from one perspective your true love is looking for you. 

Your True Love is looking for a complete person.

When we do not accept ourselves fully- with all of our virtues and faults – we are not fully visible for the person that we are.

So, if you want to be loved for who you are then you have to be willing to be seen for who you are.

This requires a very deep degree of self-acceptance and, yes, self-love.

Seems obvious.

Forgive me, but I am feeling a need to digress a bit before proceeding.

Some thoughts on why we struggle so much with romantic love

I am going to be very direct.

Societal & cultural norms

Our superficial, materially based, result driven western society constantly bombards us with so many relationship lies and half-truths.

We are told that if we want to be successful in love that we have to look and act a certain way.

The media constantly bombards both gals and guys with images and even roles that they must aspire to conform to if they are going to get a date, let alone attract a suitable partner.

All of the focus is on superficial things that very rarely lead to a love worth having.

Family patterns & expectations

We all learn both adaptive and maladaptive ways of being in relationship from our nuclear and extended families. 

Even folks raised in very loving, functional families, are not taught everything they need to know about establishing sustainable, loving, mutually fulfilling relationships.

Religious training intended to provide the moral and ethical foundation for strong families often has unintended results, especially when it comes to such topics as commitment, human sexuality, and the ‘immorality’ of divorce.

Our own personal relationship traumas & perceived failures around relationships

Many of us, myself included, have experienced repeated and often traumatic ‘relationship failures’. 

If simply left to ‘fester’ in our consciousness, such negative emotional experiences can have a devastating effect on our relationships and even our health.

Even today, many people who are aware that they are struggling emotionally don’t seek professional assistance due to the stigma of ‘mental illness’, lack of resources, or the mistaken belief that they can simply move on without dealing with their pain.

Until I got the help I that needed I was one of those mistaken people!

If you’re in this camp, please take this as a ‘personal wake up call’ and get the help you need from a qualified therapist, coach, or other trained counseling professional.

Superficial Dating advice from those interested in turning a quick buck

People looking for relationship help on line often find dating advice that only perpetuates the revolving door of broken, disappointing relationships.

I can’t tell you how many times I have read posts and articles by folks who claim to have ‘discovered a secret’ method of attracting and seducing members of the opposite sex.


From my world-view, these folks are deliberately praying on people who are only answering their innate human call for mutually fulfilling emotional connection.

Still here?

So what is the solution?

There are no short cuts to love.

Do the work.   Get the result.

All work in the arena of relationships starts and ends with you.

The path to a deeper level of self-acceptance and self-love must begin with you.

A quote:

“If you wish to be loved show more of your faults than virtues.”

Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

We are all a work in progress.

It took us our entire lives to become the people we are today.

Our entire lives.

Like a huge ocean liner it takes us time to change our course.

We must start with where we are right now.

A self Study exercise follows:

Vice/Virtue self-study

Step one:

  1. List 7 things that you really admire about your self.  List #1
  2. List 7 things that you can’t stand about yourself.  List # 2.

Need some help?  Ask a close friend who knows you well to help.  Perhaps you could do the exercise together.

If you decide to enlist the support of a friend ask them to be brutally honest.

If you decide to do the exercise with a friend, you must both agree to brutally honest.

Step two:

Pick the three most admirable qualities you listed from list #1 and for each one ask your self these questions:

  1. How did I develop this quality?
  2. How does having developed this quality contribute to my happiness?
  3. How does this quality support the happiness of others?
  4. If I had children, would I try and cultivate this quality in them?   If so, how what would I accomplish this?
  5. What would my life be without this quality?

Step three:

Pick the three qualities about your self that bug you the most from list number 2 and ask yourself these questions:

  1. How did I develop this quality?
  2. When I choose to allow this quality to manifests, how does it contribute to my frustration and unhappiness?
  3. When I choose to allow this quality to manifest, how does it impact others?
  4. If I had children, and they manifested this quality, what would I do to help them to adopt more positive and adaptive ways of thinking and behaving?
  5. What would my life be like if I transformed this quality into one that actually supports my happiness and the happiness of others?

Step four:

Write two or three paragraphs about what you learned form completing this exercise.

Congratulations, now take the next step.

Please get up and go look in the mirror and repeat the following positive self-statement:

“I am naturally creative, resourceful, and whole.

I am always in choice,

I choose to love myself for who I am today and

I commit to cultivating in myself the virtues that I desire in a Life Partner.”

If the above positive self-statement, or positive affirmation as they are often called, resonates with you, I recommend that you post it on your bathroom mirror and commit it to memory.

This way you can use it when your ‘Gremlins of Self-doubt’ try and tell you that you are not worthy of unconditional of self-love.

If you took the time to complete this exercise you are doing the inner work of love. 

You have powered up the beacon of your love light and have taken a huge step toward attracting more love, light, and power into your life.

Live, connect, love, prosper.

See YOU next week!

Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton put it succinctly:

“If you wish to be loved show more of your faults than virtues.”

Start now with a low cost ‘Committed Partner Breakthrough‘ session

During your low cost “Committed Partner Breakthrough Session” we will:

  • Create a sense of clarity about the relationship you really want to have.
  • Find out the essential building blocks for having the relationship of your dreams.
  • Discover the number one thing stopping you from having the relationship you want and deserve.
  • Identify the most powerful actions that will move you toward the relationship of your dreams.
  • Complete our session with the excitement of knowing EXACTLY what to do next to attract a committed partner who truly loves you for who you are!

You will be guided through the steps for setting up your low cost session when you click on the ‘Sign Up Now’ button below:

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Comment by stephen light
February 5, 2013 @ 8:32 am

Hey Ron

This topic really resonates with me because it has been my journey. Only until I fully appreciated, respected and loved who I was could I give that into my relationships. Yes I did waste 10 years avoiding therapy because I could not bring myself to face that I had a problem. I finally succumbed and it was the best thing I ever did. After 7 years with a therapist, (When I write that I still have a little stigma attached as it seems like I was really damaged he he), I feel so much more self aware and empowered to make decisions for me because I love who I am.

Love & Courage

Comment by williamtrimpi
February 5, 2013 @ 9:29 pm

I am seeing self love as a function of presence, or awareness. It’s easier for me to think i can be present , or freely aware then to love self which is really what showing up in the moment is. Thank you for driving love home in this essay–Rainbows-Bill

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