Keys to Opening YOUR Heart to Love – Part 1

Post One, The Power of Forgiveness

WELCOME!

This is the first in a series of articles that are intended to help you begin the process of releasing the negative, pent up, emotional energy that is preventing you from attracting your Soul Mate.

As I shared in a previous post, it took me 18 months – that’s right a year and a half – after my first wife divorced me, before I ventured out on my first “real date”.

So why did it take me so long?

After all, I was a trained, experienced counselor, had the support of a very wise spiritual teacher, and really wanted to “get on with my life”.  I understood the importance of forgiveness, but just couldn’t let go of my anger, self-pity, and, well, to be honest, self-righteousness.

So one day when I was talking with a close female friend about my feelings regarding my ex-wife’s “insensitive behavior”, the universe blessed me with an insight that finally got me to end my “pity party” and get on with my life.

She simply said, “I love you. You are a dear friend, but I am tired of hearing about how you just can’t trust women; the problem is you don’t trust yourself not to fail again.”  With that she gave me a hug and we said our goodbyes.

Now at first, I was mad as heck at my friend for “throwing my failed marriage” in my face.”  How could she be so insensitive?

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

My friend cared enough about me to help me to put the focus where it belonged – on me!

After all, as long as I continued to blame my ex-wife for my feelings I could never learn the lessons I needed to get from our failed marriage and would bring all of this relationship ruining negativity into any new romantic pursuits.

I realized that I was holding on to the anger toward my ex-wife because that was easier than facing the real issue:

ME!

I couldn’t find the Grace to forgive my ex-wife partly because I didn’t really want to.  It was easier to stay “self-righteously mad” than to take responsibility for my actions and feelings.

After all, it takes two to tango.

I finally got it.

My feelings were, well, mine.

As long as I chose to blame my ex-wife for my emotional pain, I could not begin to do the work of building a new life.

I also realized that I had a part in the “failed marriage” and that I needed to forgive my-self for what I had said, done, not done, etc to contribute to our break up and put us and her children through so much suffering.

So this is where I started.

I wrote down everything I could think of that I did to contribute to our divorce.  I then inwardly asked my ex-wife (since she wouldn’t talk with me) for her forgiveness for all that I had done, said, etc to contribute to our failed marriage.

I then acknowledged my failures to God and asked for His forgiveness and support.

A shift in my consciousness followed.

Through the Grace of God I saw my ex-wife’s pain and was able to let go of my anger and forgive her.

This process took some time and required more support.

I also realized that:

Regret leads to resentment, that if left unchecked, leads to bitterness – the Love killer.

How about you?

Are you choosing to hold onto negative feelings about failed relationships?

Do you need to forgive your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband for their “insensitive” behavior?

Do you need to forgive yourself for the role you played in past failed romantic relationships?

Here’s a little ritual you might try:

Step one:

First, make a list of all the things your ex did that hurt you.

Step two.

Now make a similar list of all of the things you did to contribute to the failed relationship.

Step three:

Now put them both side by side.

Step four:

Make the decision to forgive your ex and yourself.

Step five:

Tear both lists into tiny little pieces.

Step six:

Create a positive affirmation to have handy when your mind tries to get you to “un-forgive” your ex and yourself.

I promise that this will happen.  So it is best to be prepared!

 

Here are three positive affirmations I created:

One:

“I am thankful for the love that _____ and I shared; I forgive ____ for everything she did that caused us pain.”

Two:

“I forgive myself for my all I said and did to contribute to our break up.”

Three:

“ I know in my heart that we both did the best we could and I truly hope that she finds the love she needs.”

Now, I must confess that the third positive affirmation took some real soul searching and effort.

But here’s the deal:

You know that you have really forgiven and moved on when you can sincerely wish for your ex to be happy.

Really.

I hope that you found this little exercise useful.

By the way, going through the process I described above is not easy.  But the cost of hanging on to negative feelings toward your exes and yourself is, in the long run, much harder.

In my next post I’ll share more about the process of how regret leads to resentment and how resentment always leads to bitterness, the “Love killer”.

Hope to see you there!

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1 Comment »

Comment by Stephen Light
October 13, 2011 @ 7:16 am

Dear Ron

What an amazing article. I am going to post a link on my facebook page (Stephen Light Bringing the Light) for all those dealing with breakups.

Love & Courage
Stephen Light


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