Keys to Getting More of What YOU Need, Part Two


Last week’s post focused on some general principles and strategies that support getting more of what you need and deserve.

This week I will share more on the same topic with particular emphases on getting what you need in your romantic relationships.

Disappointments often occur as a result of unexpressed expectations

In last week’s post I briefly mentioned that disappointments often occur as a result of our failure to adequately express our needs and ask for what we need and deserve.

What follows is more in depth discussion concerning enlisting the support of your ‘sweetie’ in your quest for love and fulfillment.

Familiarity can become the breeding ground for incomplete and ineffective communication

I have found time and time again that we often just expect those close to us to understand and meet our needs.

This occurs because we unconsciously assume that those closest to us will simply act as we would want them to.  After all, we have been in close personal relationship with our ‘sweetie’ for some time.

They naturally know what we like and need.

But is this always the case?

While our significant other may know us better than anyone else, they cannot read our minds!

An example from my own life may help to bring more clarity to the problem.

A few months ago I had spent the entire day coaching and getting things ready for our move.  In this context I feel that I should point out that I am married to an absolutely wonderful, woman who is exceptionally sensitive and considerate.

Around dinner time I just assumed that she would get something together for  us.  When that didn’t happen, I noticed that I was annoyed.


Yes, even the Love Coach can make this sort of relationship goof.  Fortunately, I caught myself and offered to go and get us Chinese take out!

So what really happened here was:

  • I assumed that my wife would get that I needed her to handle dinner
  • I assumed that my wife had the energy to get this handled – which she did not.
  • Most importantly, I just expected her to just meet my unexpressed desires, rather than just ask her,  “What are we doing for dinner?”

So far, so good?

As Sly and the Family Stone would say: “Express Yourself”.

Keys to clear, expressive, sensitive communication

  • Inner Preparation
  • Maintain an attitude of faith and gratitude
  • Check out your Partner’s emotional state before initiating a conversation
  • Be clear and specific
  • Verify that your partner actually heard what you said
  • Always recognize/acknowledge their efforts
  • Always thank them 

Inner preparation

A quote from my soon to be completed book may help to shed some light on the rationale behind the need for ‘inner preparation’.

“When the mind has a plan, the heart can shine”.  When it comes to the day in, day out communication with our romantic partners, we really want our ‘our hearts to shine.’

In this context, it is important to note that it is the routine, daily interactions that make or break romantic relationships.

(I invite interested readers to check out my earlier posts on ‘Building Emotional Connection’, which can be found toward the bottom of this web page.)

Normal speech is basically an unconscious or minimally conscious activity.  Our speech often reveals to us what we are actually thinking.

You can easily prove/disprove this to yourself by just paying attention to your conversations and/or reflecting on past conversations.

My own‘inner preparation’ typically involves the following:

  • Pausing to consider the situation and my needs
  • Remembering to be grateful for her and our relationship
  • Considering my actual needs as they relate t the situation at hand
  • Considering my sweeties’ needs as well as her mental and emotional state, time of day, etc.
  • If my reflection reveals that the situation requires special attention to what and how I express myself, then I do what is necessary to pay attention to that.

Connected, effective, non-injurious speech requires being considerate of the other person.

Maintain an attitude of gratitude and faith

I know that I emphasize the importance of maintaining an attitude of gratitude and faith a lot in my posts.

Perhaps it is because I always feel as though I can grow in this respect.  It is also because I notice that people tend to conduct ‘the business of life’ from a perspective of scarcity rather than abundance.

In addition, many people are very time-pressured and this naturally causes a lot of ‘insensitive communication.

I find it helpful, to stop, relax, take a deep breath, and ‘put the old transmission in park’ before I open my mouth!

Slow down and take the time to get it right.  There are some words you can never take back!

Check out your partner’s emotional state before initiating a conversation

This one took me a long time to really learn.  In fact, if I am going to be fully honest, I am still learning to consistently practice this principle.

This is why I encourage folks to give themselves permission to slow down, stop, and relax before making the connection with their partner and initiating a conversation.

Taking this step will pay huge dividends!

I also recommend asking your partner if now is a good time to chat. 

My wife is good at prompting me in this regard.  My wife likes to make ‘appointments’ to discuss difficult topics like our recent move, finances, etc.

While my temperament seems to resist this practice, it is a very wise practice, as it allows us both to prepare inwardly for the conversation.

You could form the same alliance with your partner.

Timing is everything!

Be clear and specific

Sounds obvious.  But how often have you been misunderstood because you were either unclear in your speech or omitted an important detail?

‘Inner preparation’ can go a long way in helping you to match your words with their intended outcome.

Verify that your partner actually heard what you said

Things that help in this regard:

  • Avoid yelling through the house
  • Be sure that you have your partner’s attention and make eye contact with them before starting to speak
  • If what you have to share is complicated, make sure that they got it by simply asking them, “Was I clear?”  and perhaps “What did you get from what I said.’  The key here is own your part f the communication.

Always acknowledge their efforts

It is often nice to start a conversation with a positive acknowledgement of your partner’s efforts.  Positive acknowledgement is, frankly, the exception rather than the rule.

I challenge you to help make our world a more positive, rewarding place by taking the time to positively acknowledge people you interact with as often as possible.

Starting a conversation with a positive acknowledgement of the person you are initiating conversation with sets the stage for a positive interaction.

Always thank them!

AS I like to say, you are always building your relationship house.  Why not make the ‘finishing touches beautiful!

I hope that you found this post inspiring and useful.

See YOU next week!

Start now with a low cost ‘Committed Partner Breakthrough‘ session

During your low cost “Committed Partner Breakthrough Session” we will:

  • Create a sense of clarity about the relationship you really want to have.
  • Find out the essential building blocks for having the relationship of your dreams.
  • Discover the number one thing stopping you from having the relationship you want and deserve.
  • Identify the most powerful actions that will move you toward the relationship of your dreams.
  • Complete our session with the excitement of knowing EXACTLY what to do next to attract a committed partner who truly loves you for who you are!

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1 Comment »

Comment by williamtrimpi
July 11, 2012 @ 8:20 pm

A clear and concise guidance on daily interaction with my wife. very helpful-thank you–

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