He’s MY Second Chance

WELCOME!

Today’s post was inspired by a commercial that I have repeatedly seen on CNN sponsored by “Christian Mingle.com”, an online dating site.

Now I am not knocking “Christian Mingle.com”.

In fact, I believe that “Christian Mingle.com” provides a very valuable service for people with strong Christian leanings.

I believe this because for many folks seeking a committed long-term relationship, sharing a common religious orientation is very important.

What concerns me is the underlying message that this commercial is sending and how it plays into one of the most widely held relationship myths.

I will now briefly describe the commercial.

The commercial shows a woman next to her new man that she found through Christian Mingle.

As the camera moves in closer, the woman begins to tear up and with great relief, the woman says, “He’s my second chance.”

So, what’s wrong with this picture?

First, conscious mutually empowering relationships just don’t magically happen, we create them.  Chance has nothing to do with it!

While a shared religious context can form the basis of a mutually empowering committed relationship, this alone does not guarantee a successful marriage or happiness.

More importantly, this commercial plays on the idea that a woman needs a man to rescue her from the pits of despair, and the deep emotional relief conveyed really drives home this point.

Good acting, disempowering message.

The damsel in distress has been rescued by her knight in shining armor.

She has been rescued from her loneliness and despair and the two will just naturally live happily ever after  (another relationship myth).

What a bunch of disempowering rubbish.

My friends, if you are counting on anyone else, no matter how devoted, to rescue you from your own unhappiness and make you happy you are in for a rather rude awakening.

The truth is that no one, no matter how good looking, charming, smart, devoted and so on can make you happy.

YOUR happiness is your responsibility.

We all know this to be true.

In order to find fulfillment in a romantic relationship, we must first find it within our own being.

Some other points worth considering:

When assessing our current life circumstances, it is often far easier to simply blame our current unhappiness on our lack of a committed relationship, rather than exploring ways to find happiness within ourselves in our current situation.

Taking the steps to improve our outlook and circumstances requires real work that is simply often easier to avoid.

The foundation of all mutually empowering relationships is personal responsibility.

Finally, if you want to attract that positive, loving, committed, mutually empowering relationship of your dreams strive to find happiness and fulfillment within yourself and to build life circumstances that are fulfilling.

The truth is that misery attracts misery and happiness attracts happiness.

So what’s it gonna be?

We all have experienced strong relationships that are comprised of two generally happy, self reliant, independent people.

Strong, self-reliant people tend to form relationships that are powerful, dynamic, intriguing, mutually empowering and lasting.

I believe that what creates the “magic” in longstanding, loving committed, mutually empowering, mutually fulfilling relationships is the fact that both partners find fulfillment, joy, and completeness within themselves which is then “amplified” in the process of sharing it with their partner.

Put another way:

It is the synergy between the two whole, responsible human beings in relationship that makes their relationship fresh, alive, powerful, magical, dynamic, intriguing, and lasting.

In fact, if you ask people of both sexes who are in long standing, mutually empowering, committed, loving relationships, in most cases they will tell you that they are truly happy with themselves. 

Self-reliance and independence are essential building blocks for strong, lasting, mutually empowering committed relationships.

Two strong, self-reliant people who love each other become both unstoppable and inseparable.

The advantage of being in your situation (being single) is that you can start over!

Some questions to ask yourself:

*  Are you currently standing on “solid ground”?

*  What besides a loving relationship is missing in your life?

To build the relationship you really want, you must first be on solid ground yourself!

Summary

No one, no matter how devoted, can ever make you happy.

Seek to find joy and happiness within yourself. 

If you are dissatisfied with your current circumstances, take responsibility for your own happiness and strive to bring your life circumstances into line with you really want and deserve.

You are seeking a partnership not a codependent relationship that can only amplify your misery and is likely to end in a difficult and traumatic break up.

The choice is yours.

I got to marry my best friend and so can you!

I sincerely hope that you found this post inspiring and useful.

I welcome your comments and questions.

I am here if you need me.

Live, Connect, Love and Prosper

See YOU next week!

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9 Comments »

Comment by stephen light
November 12, 2013 @ 7:46 am

Say it like it is Ron

Whoop Whoop

YOUR happiness is your responsibility. – Amen

Love & Courage
Stephen


Comment by Nancy
December 21, 2013 @ 11:31 am

Thank goodness someone posted about this. I looked for this because I just saw the commercial and almost threw up. Poor woman. So sad that she actually believes she needs to be saved. Sadder yet for her husband, because he is in the kind of relationship that will wind them both up on an episode of Snapped. People need to be serious when dealing with other people’s emotions. It can go bad very quickly. Thanks for your post.


Comment by Ron
December 31, 2013 @ 7:45 am

Nancy, Thank you for supporting our community by posting on my blog. The first time I saw this commercial I was in disbelief. What disempowering rubbish. I knew that I had to find a way to push back. I talk with men and women everyday who are depending, in one way or another, on their partners to ‘make them happy’. I agree with you that this couple could be heading for some difficult times. From my perspective, healthy, mutually empowering romantic relationships are composed on two self-reliant people who are deeply committed to each other and to building an ever deepening relationship. My wife and I are just two ordinary people who are building an extraordinary love. If we can do this, I believe that most anyone can! It takes commitment, honesty, being willing to admit your mistakes and always keeping in mind that it is the relationship that matters.
Thanks again for taking the time to post! Warmly, Ron


Comment by Natasha
December 29, 2013 @ 8:19 pm

Like Nancy, I am also very glad that someone posted about this commercial. I also almost threw up at the “second chance” tearing up scene, which is nothing but encouraging the already culturally conditioned idea that woman needs to be saved by having a man in her life. I have once read a witty comment to Jane Austin novels – After marriage is where the work really starts; don’t act like the a woman’s whole life goal was to find the perfect man who completes you and you can all live happily ever after. In any case, I am happy that I am not the only person who felt disgusted by the commercial.


Comment by Ron
December 31, 2013 @ 8:00 am

Thank you for supporting our community by taking the time to post on my blog. I agree with you that this advertisement is playing into a deeply established cultural belief that women and men, for that matter, need a partner to make them happy. I talk with men and women every day who have fallen into this trap. When two people decide to be together, the work of building a functioning, sustainable relationship begins. It takes commitment and hard work by both partners to build a romantic relationship that is truly mutually empowering. No one lives happily ever after. The art of love is largely the art of persistence. A committed, loving relationship provides very significant opportunities for personal development that I believe can be found now where else in life. Committing fully to another person also means that you are deeply committing to your own personal development. There are no quick paths to true lasting love. Put another way, people seeking mutually empowering love need to be deeply committed to their own growth. Thanks again for your post, happy new year, Warmly Ron


Comment by Kelli
March 9, 2014 @ 8:22 am

I looked for criticisms of this ad because it disgusted me. What message are they sending women? Also, I swear there was another part to the commercial that they’ve cut out. The woman says something to the effect of now being complete. Really? Another person cannot complete you. Good relationships work best when two autonomous people come together.


Comment by Ron
March 9, 2014 @ 12:16 pm

Dear Kelli,
Thanks for joining the push-back against disempowering advertising. I agree that no one, no matter how loving and devoted can ‘complete’ us. thanks again for posting a comment, Warmly Ron apocelli


Comment by Sandra Roberts
October 3, 2014 @ 9:25 am

“He’s my second chance.” His second chance is to get away from that woman, enter outcome based therapy, and discover his own agenda about choosing her. She’s needy and pathetic. Does she match his unconscious beliefs/behaviors about women?


Comment by Ron
October 6, 2014 @ 7:46 am

Sandra, thank you for your comment. I am so glad that you pointed out the guy’s profile. From my world view you are spot on. This commercial promotes disempowering, codependent romantic partnerships. While I can get that a person can be very thankful for a new relationship, the woman in this commercial seems desperate, seems to have very low self-esteem, and once the glow of new romance ends, she will most likely project all of her short comings onto her new guy, who will now be seem far less than a good match. The guy in the add is in a similar place. Mutually empowering love is possible. It takes honesty, hard work, and a willingness to see ourselves as we truly are; works in progress with unlimited potential. Thank you again for your comment. To Love and Courage. Ron Capocelli, CPCC


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