Haloes, Horns, and Love, Part One

WELCOME! 

‘Red Flags’.

‘Red Flags’ are coach / therapist-speak for signs that the person you are dating, or with whom you are romantically involved, may not be the best match.

This series of posts will focus on some important personal tendencies that tend to perpetuate the cycle of mismatched, broken relationships.

This post is a must read for anyone who truly wants to get their love life on track once and for all.

Dating and committed romantic partnership involve a process of mutual disclosure and discovery.

Two areas of focus:

1.  You
2.  Your potential / existing partner

You
Yes, you.

In many cases, relationship ‘red flags’ tend to focus almost entirely on the person that you are dating or are in partnership with.

Making wise long-term relationship choices requires paying close attention to many factors including, but not limited to:

  • How your sweetie treats you, your friends, colleagues and family members (especially children)
  • His or her habits of self-care,
    and
  • General life style choices

What is all too often overlooked is the importance of examining our own tendencies in the context of what we are willing to do to achieve our romantic goals. 

Haloes and you

Haloes:

Many times I see people trying too hard to please their dates or partners.

I know because I fell into this trap for years.

I tried to be nice to everyone, tried to be easy-going and accepting, and was often excessively accommodating.

I used to jump through almost any hoop to make a good impression.

Simply put, I was overly anxious to please.

All of this was due to poor self-esteem that led to a deep fear of rejection.

Truth be told, I had a marked lack of self-confidence, especially when it came to women that I was attracted to.

The more powerful the attraction, the stronger my fear of rejection and the more I tried to ‘compensate’ by being ’nice’.

There, I said it.

What helped me to shake loose from this maladaptive, self- defeating tendency?

A few years ago at a retreat, a compassionate, beautiful woman asked me:

“So Ron, what is behind your beautifully inviting smile?”

In the moment, I had no answer.

But I knew that I was ‘busted’.

I knew that I could not hide from the truth any more.

If she could see me as I truly am, then anyone could!

Then in a flash it came to me:

Through the Grace of God, I saw myself from the outside.

Just below the surface of my consciousness I was deeply afraid of being rejected.

Naturally, until I dealt with my fears of rejection and my self-confidence improved, I was also more ‘needy’.

Hard to share, but true.

The bottom line:

I was unconsciously countering my fears of being rejected / abandoned by being nice, excessively accommodating, and opening my heart to others when I really should have been guarding it.

What is my story bringing up in YOU?

                                

Some questions for you:

How eager are you to please your sweetie?

To what lengths will you go to impress him or her?

Do you give up your power to your partner?

Are you sexually more accommodating than you are truly comfortable with?

Do you act out of fear, guilt, or true love?

If any of the above questions resonates with you I invite you to journal about it.

It is through the process of asking questions and questioning answers – all from the high ground of faith in your-self – that we can come to know the true motives behind all of our ambitions, speech, and actions.

Do the work; get the results.

I guarantee it.

“Our own cognition is sufficient to answer the questions posed by our own nature.”  Rudolf Steiner

The first solid step on the path to true lasting love is honest self-examination.

Still here?

Haloes and potential / existing partner

Many men and women suffer from low self-esteem and a marked lack of self-confidence around members of the opposite sex.

Being excessively eager to please is not, from my experience, sustainable.  Sometime the will to keep going will simply dry up.

It is sort of like asking a sprinter to run a marathon.  Good start, difficult middle, and an almost impossible finish.

That said: If you sense an ’excessive need to please’ in a potential partner or even in the person with whom you are in committed relationship with, it does not mean that you have to bail.

How to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater:

Talk about it.

If you can authentically do so, provide some reassurance that you are there for them now in the present.

Never make promises that you know that you can’t keep.

There are many good men and women out there with compromised self-esteem that could, with the right support, make fantastic committed partners.

Most of us have never experienced being loved completely and unconditionally for the people that we are.

I know that this was the case for me.

My wife, Julia, truly loves me for who I am.

Now that does not mean that she likes everything I say and do.

She simply supports my efforts to evolve, thereby helping me to let go of all that is really not me.

So, if your Sweetie exhibits an excessive tendency to please, I invite you to be open to further exploration and to be supportive.

If your exploration and supportive efforts reveal that ‘there is just too much water under the proverbial bridge’ then you can gently and compassionately end the romantic part of your relationship.

How will you know?

Time together will tell the story.

While people’s basic temperaments generally don’t change that much, deep inner shifts can happen at any time.

“The Grace of God is a warm, gentle breeze that blows across the ocean of life, set your sail to catch it.” 

Eknath Easwaran

If you and your Sweetie are both willing to do the work – to take full responsibility for your life, happiness and wellbeing, then the universe will fully support your efforts to become more of who you truly are in your hearts.

It is a beautiful journey.

I know, because together my love and I are climbing the mountain of self-discovery, self-development, and ever deepening love.

Where there is love, anything is possible.

True love is a perhaps the most transformative force in the universe.

When combined with a deep commitment, the sky is the limit.

Be slow to judgment, quick to forgive, while always honoring your-self and deepest values.

                                

I sincerely hope that you found this post inspiring and useful.

If you would like to further explore any of the issues I have raised in this post, please feel free to email me at:

ron@inspiredcommitment.com

I would be delighted to set up a time to talk with you.

I invite you to support our community by posting a comment or question on my blog. I am here if you need me.

See you next week.

Live, connect, love and prosper

Ron

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  • Create a sense of clarity about the relationship you really want to have.
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  • Identify the most powerful actions that will move you toward the relationship of your dreams.
  • Complete our session with the excitement of knowing EXACTLY what to do next to attract a committed partner who truly loves you for who you are!

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