Conscious Dating, Part One


Valentines’ Day is this coming Friday.  My how time flies.

Today’s post will focus on the first step to more ‘conscious dating’.

Conscious dating requires us to be fully present with ourselves, surroundings, and, naturally, our date.

No more being asleep at the wheel!

Training YOURSELF to Be more fully present

So much is made about the simple idea of just being present.


Modern life can be so full of distractions that we loose touch with what’s literally right before our nose.

The first step to more conscious dating is to begin to develop the habit of being fully present.

To be fully present essentially means to slow down and give your full attention to yourself, what you are doing, your immediate surroundings and, naturally, to the person or people that you are currently interacting with.

Sounds easy.

However, for many people although the porch light is ‘on’, it takes a pretty loud knock to get them to come to the door.

The truth is that many of us flit though our lives without paying close attention to our inner world (thoughts, feelings, somatic sensations), our surroundings and the person or people with whom we are involved.

If we choose to live this way, then our dating experiences will be shallow and will just naturally provide a limited level of fulfillment.

Fast paced, inattentive living can make us prone to miss important opportunities and signs that, in turn, could have a huge impact on our quest for love and fulfillment.

Some things everyone can do to be more present:

  • Slow down
  • Cultivate the habit of doing one thing at a time and

The idea is to train your mind to give full attention to whatever you are doing.

Slow down

The fast pace of ‘modern living’ simply provides fertile ground for shallow, unfulfilling relationships.

Our constant focus on getting things done in the material world has caused a good many of us to become detached from ourselves, our surroundings, and our fellow human beings.

The richness of life is here now for us all to experience.

The present is a precious gift that is why it called the present!

Yet we rush through our lives as if they were endless.

They are not.

If you want deeper more fulfilling relationships then I encourage you to find ways to regularly ‘put on the brakes’ and take pause.

For my part, I build four, fifteen minute ‘pauses’ into my work day.


So, I can:

  • Slow down!
  • Check in with myself
  • Appreciate what I have experienced and accomplished
  • Relax

I encourage you to try this practice out for yourself.

The life you save may be your own.

Cultivate the habit of doing one thing at a time

I could write a lengthy treatise on the myth and pit falls of ‘multi-tasking’.

Empirical research is now verifying what I have believed to be true for a long time- there is really no such thing as multi-tasking.

People who claim to be multi-tasking are really just switching quickly between objects of focus often at a great cost to their overall productivity and even their physical and emotional health.

In the context of interpersonal relationships, a good many people seem to have trained themselves to have very short attention spans, often at great expense to the relationships that mean the most to them.

The good news:

If we can train ourselves be inattentive then we can re-train ourselves to be very attentive.

Psychologists tell us the learning in one situation ‘generalizes’ or transfers to other similar situations.

Therefore: The more situations that we can find to re-train ourselves to focus on one thing at a time, the more the habit of giving ‘one-pointed’ attention will become the norm rather that the exception.

Think of the relationship implications!

Some things for you to try:

  • Try giving mundane tasks like doing the dishes, filing, or putting your clothes away your full, undivided attention.
  • Here’s a really revolutionary idea:

Try driving without music, the news, or audio book playing.  That’s right- just focus your full attention on your driving.

  • If you ride a train or bus to work, try just observing the people or scenery without the distraction of your ipod.

I invite you to see if trying these ideas has any impact on your relationships.

We are first and foremost human beings not human doers.

Try living fully in the present and be here to receive all of the gifts life has for you!

Be here now: the eternal present is all we really have.

I sincerely hope that you found this post inspiring and useful.

I invite you to support our community by posting a comment or question on my blog.

See you next week.

Live, connect, love and prosper

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1 Comment »

Comment by stephen light
February 14, 2014 @ 7:04 am

Hi Ron

Particularly relevant for us as a family right now. Mobiles are stealing our time. Thank you for the reminder to stay present.

Love & Courage

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